So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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