Who wears a wallet chain?!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize