i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
