Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
