Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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