we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
