wrigley field is MILF paradise
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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