carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Let's paint friendship bongs
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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