I love black thongs
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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