Life is so much better after having sex.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
