if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my shit smells like andre
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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