you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This is my gift to your gina
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
