I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
