you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
