Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
