Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
