You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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