I accidentally burped into my bong.
People in love make me want to vomit
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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