I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
