I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize