We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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