Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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