i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
