i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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