hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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