the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
