Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
don't judge my taste in strippers
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
