you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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