mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
