wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You made out with two different species that night
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
