Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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