if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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