I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
