It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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