Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
