i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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