I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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