I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
