Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
