the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
