Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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