When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
be right there i have to get my cape
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
