i already hear my dad disowning me
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
