apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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