My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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