Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
