Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you would pick up someone in the library
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
