I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
