so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
