I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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