i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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