My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
