Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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