He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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