Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
no more duck duck goose at the bar
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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